Got the ebb, got the flow

Well.

I got the job. Really, I'm just as surprised as you are. It seems that my mutant ability for self-sabotage (secret identity: The Self Destructor!) was mysteriously absent. Despite feeling seriously outclassed by the situation, the concept of leaving Toronto, the other more qualified applicants, the group interview, and the private interview, the job is mine if I want it. Lest anyone think that I'm being unduly modest, offered below are snippets of dialogue which seriously made me question my abilities, nay, my very right to be there:

"Sam, do you, uh, have anything to say?"
"Actually, I just graduated Teacher's College."
"Really? I teach sign language to the deaf. It's a dream come true."
"Actually Sam, I don't think England ever played Portugal."
"Okay Sam, there was something else Tenzen did during the group interview when he was explaining how to teach to students, do you remember what it was?"

And my personal favorite:

"Alright Sam, how would you explain that without using bad grammar?"

Wow. I guess they really will just take anyone. Despite the that I had been assured of that very fact by a friend who had done this two years ago, I am still surprised that they offered me this position. Other choice advice from this friend was that I shouldn't sleep with a student, because that is virtually the only thing they will fire you for. He also assured me that during the first three weeks of your time there, this is a very hard rule to remember. As a sidenote, when talking to my younger brother and repeating said advice, he fixed me with a grave stare and then said in a tone as serious as a Old Testament prophet with a hangover: "Uh, yeah. That's gonna be a problem for you". Ever supportive.

I'm going to get the information package in a few days, which will outline when and where I'm going to be going. I've been told to read over it and send it back to them. I'm not quite sure what to make of this pleasant, slightly nervous feeling I'm bathed in.

It couldn't be that I'm happy and excited, could it?

Look for me, I'll be around

The blind, impersonal forces that rule the universe seem to be distracted lately. How to otherwise explain the hope that's been offered to me?

Ladies and gentleman, I may be going to Japan in the fall. Now, this is highly premature as I have not been offered the job yet, let alone gone in for a interview. But I have a good feeling about this. God help me, I need those to get by. The organization is called the Nova group, and they specialize in sending over-educated dilettantes abroad to spread the good news of the English language. The interview is next week, and it's a full day. The first half of the day is spent in group interview, interacting with (possible) future peers and staff members, the next half is spent in an one on one interview. I've done my homework, and this organization seems to be delightfully non-sketchy. I have friends who can vouch for them. If all goes well, I'll be off to the mysterious orient in the next three months. The only thing that I'm now upset about, because I have to be upset about something is why I didn't think of this sooner.

The only explanation is a type of spiritual or emotional lassitude. I'm essentially a comfort loving creature. If certain very low conditions are met, I'm content to drift by. If I have a job, any job, no matter how miserable it makes me, as long as I have money I'm content. Then, if I have friends to hang out with, that completes it. I get comfortable, I've adjusted to my environment, and there is no need for change. Due to a lot that has happened with me lately, I've realized that spiritual growth needs a material incentive. To use a scientific metaphor, it's like the punctuated-equilibrium variation of evolution propounded by Stephen Jay Gould. Creatures adapt perfectly to their environment and don't change until a disaster occurs and they have to evolve or die. People won't change or grow as individuals until they're left with no other options. Because change is scary and unpleasant and uncertain. The only thing more unpleasant is dying, whether physically or otherwise. Furthermore, it's unrealistic to expect people to change unless they have this unconditional reason. The only people who do it without are saints, and sometimes even saints need a kick in the ass before they decide to be them.

I'm no different. Had I not been called on certain types of my own behavior, I wouldn't even have started thinking about this, and I am grateful to the friends and circumstances that have forced me to.

On a lighter note, I want to say thanks to everybody who made my birthday so awesome. Guys, I'm totally rocking the Ipod. With only five hundred songs allowed, I only have songs on it that I'm sure I'll want to listen to. Also, a public thanks to Jamila, who sent me Everyman and The Death Of Ivan Illyich. I read thought them both in one day, and I'm probably going to read through again for good measure.

I'll let everyone know about the Nova group thing as it develops.

Happy Birthday to me

I feared these present years,
The middle twenties,
When deftness disappears,
And each event is
Freighted with a source-encrusting doubt,
And turned to drought.

I thought: This pristine drive
Is sure to flag
At twenty-four or -five;
And now the slag
Of burnt-out childhood proves that I was right.
What caught alight

Quickly consumed in me,
As I foresaw.
Talent, felicity -
These things withdraw,
And are succeeded by a dingier crop
That come to stop;

Or else, certainly gone,
Perhaps the rest,
Tarnishing, linger on
As second-best.
Fabric of fallen minarets is trash.
and in the ash

Of what has pleased and passed
Is now no more
Than struts of greed, a last
Charred smile, a clawed
Crustacean hatred, blackened pride - of such
I once made much.

And so,if I were sure
I have no chance
To catch again that pure
Unnoticed stance,
I would calcine the outworn properties,
Live on what is.

But it dies hard, that world;
Or, being dead,
Putrescently is pearled,
For I, misled,
Make on my mind the deepest wound of all:
Think to recall

At any moment, states
Long since dispersed;
That if chance dissipates
The best, the worst
May scatter equally on a touch.
I kiss, I clutch,

Like a daft mother, putrid
Infancy,
That can and will forbid
All grist to me
Except devaluing dichotomies:
Nothing, and paradise.

-Philip Larkin, On Being Twenty Six

Whistling down the wind

In a refreshing change of tone, I have some good news to report. Before I do that, I'd be remiss if I didn't thank some very good friends of mine. Much love goes out to Jessie, Jen, Jam and Heather (in no particular order) for helping to mend that fragile thing I laughingly call my sanity. Thanks for listening to me rant, rave, blow off steam and generally act like a disgruntled malcontent. It's much appreciated and I promise not to abuse the privilege.

Good news: my ongoing war of attrition against unemployment has entered a dangerous new stage. I applied for a job today and a job applied for me(?!). The job I applied for was a contract copyediting position for a company that would seem to be satisfied with me only having a Uni. degree, which is no small thing. In the cover letter, I wrote that not only have I worked in a bookstore and a marketing research organization, but I also have a "Passionate interest in the written word"(Italics mine). I'm certain this will somehow set me apart from the ten bajillion people who are also applying for this position and are much more experienced and talented than I am. I'd really like to get this, so general goodwill, knocking on wood, the crossing of fingers, prayer etc. would be much appreciated.

The job that applied for me I'm a little more wary of. They seem to have found me through the resume that I posted on Monster. It's one of those private energy companies that rose up after the market was deregulated. It's located far out in North York, and it may be a sales position, which I'm not really keen on. Furthermore, when I went to their website I saw that they've been advertising these positions since March. I mean, I'm grateful that anyone seems to be interested but the fact that they've been advertising these positions for three months without anyone biting leads me to believe that this place may be less than completely desirable to work for. I can't really afford to be choosy, literally, so I'm going down on Thursday to check them out. I'm trying to keep it positive.

What else? I've really been enjoying watching The Brak Show, although I suspect that being stoned while watching would be a great supplement to the experience. I've also been reading a book called Morte D'Urban by the much neglected Catholic author J.F Powers. All of his stuff is out of print now, and I suspect it has to do with his two main preoccupations: Catholic priests, and the non-reverent portrayals thereof. He's quite funny, and I'd encourage all of you who have an interest in that sort of thing to check him out. James Wood likes him too, if that helps. It should. It really, really should.
Stay tuned. More on the job situation as it develops.