FAIL

Education

University of Toronto – Bachelor with Honours

Major in Philosophy, Double Minor in History and Political Science (Muddled Through)

Employment

Library Assistant – Knox College, Caven Library

Responsibilities include:

ü Staring off into space

ü Checking Facebook

ü Signing out book every three hours

ü Avoiding eye contact with co-worker

Receptionist – Humanity’s Complaint Department

Responsibilities included:

ü Tacitly ignoring co-worker’s not-so-casual racism

ü Checking Facebook

ü “Accidently” hanging up on belligerent complainants

ü Laughing at the plight of the oppressed

ü Being terrified of the lunatics that would occasionally come in

People I’ve Disappointed

ü Parents

ü Self

ü Ex-Fiancee

ü Girlfriends (two through four)

ü Potential girlfriends

Successful Friends I Avoid

ü Friend with Business degree who got married at twenty-four, has a beautiful wife and child, actually owns a house

ü Friend doing PhD in Africa about colonial practices or something (Seems complicated)

ü Friend having well-placed job in diplomatic offices for the federal government

ü Friend who is now a high school teacher, has played in several bands, and is a long time relationship (Engaged? Married?) to hot T.A we both had a crush on, oh well

ü Friend doing PhD in London in Film Studies or Slavoj Zizek (Not really sure)

What I Thought I’d Be Doing At This Age

ü Have PhD (or at least a master’s degree)

ü Be working on my third novel

ü Be in a serious relationship

ü Be contributing something interesting or important to humanity

My Favorite Evasions

ü “No, I’m not just saying that so the conversation will end. I really do agree with you”

ü “Ah, we were just hanging out”

ü “We’re not dating”

ü “I DO love you”

ü “I don’t know what happened. The job just didn’t work out”

ü “It will never happen again. I promise”

Things I Realized Only After It Didn’t Matter Anymore

ü I should’ve ended things six months ago

ü It would have gone better if I had just admitted it

ü They were just trying to help

ü She wanted to be more than friends

ü It didn’t mean anything- we were both just drunk and lonely

ü I never really cared that much

ü I was still in love with her